


Try

by SicklySweet



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Confidence, Diabetes, Feels, Health, Self-Image
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-16 18:47:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14171238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SicklySweet/pseuds/SicklySweet
Summary: Yamaguchi's life has changed, his confidence and self-image have plummeted. He doesn't want to try anymore. But he has to.





	Try

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! 
> 
> This was kind of to make up for the errors I made when I wrote: "Yamaguchi Faints". I really hope this one is a bit better, and a big thank you to justanothersuicidaltendency for helping me with the medical side, and making it more factual! 
> 
> Diabetes is something that needs to be talked about. At the very least, that is what I hope to do with this story.

The little machine laying on the counter was a life saver. It literally, could save his life. It was new, and worked well, and it was relatively small, no bigger than a phone. It had been expensive, but to keep himself healthy it should be worth it. But he couldn’t lie. He hated it. He hated every moment of it. From the sounds it made, to the needle that he had to keep inside his skin for up to three days. Three days!

Yamaguchi Tadashi was relatively new to his insulin pump. It was shiny silver, with a small tube that leads to a needle that went inside him. The Sure-T Model. He was used to the needles. Before his pump he had his individual insulin injections, so he was not a stranger to the sharp prick. But what was new was the fact that this needle was in him 24 hours a day, for 3 days at a time before he had to change it. He knew it was smarter, the pump kept track of his sugars, and had insulin inside it that saved him the trouble of ever forgetting to administer it. However, this little box was attached to him every day. All the time. It made noises, it hung off his hip… it was obvious. He already hated having diabetes, now he was just screaming it to the world. Before it was easy to just disappear and treat himself privately, but now, there was no hiding. 

He stared at the box on the counter and knew he needed to hook himself back up. He then looked into the mirror, at the small portion of his stomach where he needed to put the new needle. He could still feel where the last one had been, a small mark that had yet to heal on his skin. It would fade pretty quickly, and he knew no one else would even see it. But he was hyperaware of where each needle had previously been. He was so scared that others would see, or that something would go wrong and he would be scarred. The doctor had told him that wouldn’t happen. But what if? He grit his teeth and picked it back up. He opened a new clean needle, preparing himself before pushing it into place with now practiced ease, and attaching the rest of the machine. He hooked it onto his school pants, and picked out his, one size too large shirt, to wear. It was long enough that he could hide the pump, he didn’t care if it looked too big on him.

He ate his breakfast and plastered on his smile. No one else would know how miserable it made him. Since he had gotten his pump he had been getting significantly worse at volleyball - The one thing he once felt proud of - and he was starting to fail. He was scared he would break the pump, it cost his family so much to get it, and he was scared to show it, even though it was on display, showing just under his shirt. If he raised his arms it showed the whole pump. Even worse, when he went to serve his shirt would raise up and show his stomach, where the tube connected to his skin, and the slight irritation that sometimes happened around the needle. He had become so distracted by his self-image that he couldn’t play.

His team could tell something was going on. They all knew better than to enquire about the box that had now become a permanent fixture on him. Only a few of the team knew he had diabetes, Daichi, Sugawara, Ukai, Takeda, and of course, Tsukkishima Kei. He hated talking about it. Tsukki only found out because he had gotten sick one day and he couldn’t hide it anymore; and it was because of him that he told Daichi, Ukai and Takeda. Sugawara just figured it out. He assumed others knew, but no one talked to him about it or acted differently. Except for the few glances he caught when they thought he wasn’t looking. 

Hinata and Nishinoya were the worst of course. They would be fine, sitting and chatting, and then when Yamaguchi took a drink and his shirt would lift, their eyes would slowly drift down, curiously staring at his pump until he defensively pulled his arm back down. He hated it. It messed with his friendships, with his sport, and with his schooling. He just wanted to hide away.

He found himself falling smoothly into stride next to Tsukki once he got to school. Tsukki had his headphones in, but he knew there was no music playing. It was obvious once you knew Tsukki well enough. He was just wearing them for the sake of keeping others away. Yamaguchi simply played on his phone, pretending to feel at ease as they went to class. He was extremely alert of the metal sitting against his skin, the fresh needle still obvious to him in his skin. He supposed that to others with a pump they wouldn’t ever feel it, but for him it’s obvious.

Tsukki gave him a lot of space at school. He could tell when it was bothering him. They sat away from everyone at lunch, Tsukki was letting him wallow in self-pity, and his lips pressed into a thin line was the only sign that he was aware of what was going on. The sudden slight whoosh noise that came after Yamaguchi ate was the only obvious sound in the otherwise quiet area. It was a quiet sound, but he knew they both heard it. Classes were the same, him being quiet and hoping no one else noticed the machine. Only a few times did people make comments, asking him if his phone was vibrating or something. That never failed to ruin his day. 

He should have felt better walking into the gym, but there was so much anxiety. He had yet to get changed for practice, he didn’t like getting changed with the others in the same room. He was so aware of what the others thought. He just wanted to be normal. Tsukki appeared from the changing room, walking over to the others. Hinata smiled and waved from where he was talking with Yachi. Was it sympathy? That they felt when they saw him? He just couldn’t tell any more.

He moved into the changing room, swapping out of his school clothes and into his sport clothes. He pinned his pump to his shorts and tightened his shoelaces. It would be fine, just walk out like it was the same as always. Just ignore the pump, smile, and play the game he grew to love. He had a role now. He was a pinch server. He couldn’t just stop being good. He checked his pump again, checking his dosage and fixing it. He was still getting used to the dosages, he wasn’t sure if he was right with them yet, but it was working so far. The soft whooshing sound came again and he nodded to himself, taking a deep breath as he walked out the door to the courts.

Daichi clapped his hands and called everyone to the nets. They were going to have practice matches to warm up. He split them up into groups of 3, Tsukki, Tanaka and Hinata were to go up against Kageyama, Asahi and himself. The rest of the team were split up too, and they took the courts next to them, while their own group set up. It was clear what their roles in this were. Both sides had a server, a setter and a spiker. Which meant that he would have to focus. Not a problem.

The game started easy enough. Tanaka started the game with a serve, hitting the ball over smoothly. They were all keen to get a rally going before getting serious. Asahi hit it to Kageyama to set before sending it back, only to be returned by Tsukki and Hinata. He caught it but it went up high, Kageyama ran to set it back to Asahi, but he could see that there was some frustration. Looking back over the net he could see the energy start to build in Hinata and Tanaka. They started to dip a bit lower in their stance, their hands starting to tighten, fingers laced together ready for the receive. He could see the fire start to burn in Hinata’s eyes, something he used to really enjoy seeing. Now it made him anxious.

The ball went up, Tanaka taking it cleanly, sending it to Tsukki as both Hinata and Tanaka ran to the net for a spike. Kageyama went up against Tanaka, hands up and wide in the block. Asahi went up against Hinata, matching his height as he jumped in the air for the ball. The ball flew, and it had gone to Tanaka, logically the better choice out of the two. Hinata wouldn’t get past Asahi, but Tanaka could break Kageyama’s block. Unfortunately, the ball rebounded straight off of Kageyama’s hand, forcing him to fall to the ground with the force. The rebound was headed straight towards his body, but having had his eyes on Hinata, the poster child of Karasuno, he was not expecting him not to get the spike.

The ball slammed straight into his stomach, bumping the edge of his pump. His arms came down to protectively hold his abdomen. He was always scared of being hit now. He just had to be better, he shouldn’t have taken his eyes off the ball. Asahi’s hand came to his shoulder and he asked if he was ok, he smiled and nodded telling him that he was ok. Asahi nodded after a second, and went back to position. They gave the ball back to Tanaka, and everyone seemed different. Off. He felt like everyone was staring. 

The ball started flying again and he was off. Asahi and Kageyama were covering him quite well, but he could see them getting more and more stressed. Or at least Kageyama was. He didn’t want to be on the same team as him. He knew it. Asahi finally slammed the ball down on the other side, finally scoring them a point. The ball was passed to him and it was his serve. He smiled and took his place at the back of the line. He raised his arm to serve but hesitated. Everyone was staring. Everyone would see it.

He tried to serve by not lifting his arms up high enough to show his pump, but the ball went straight into the net. He grimaced, that wasn’t good. Asahi passed the ball back, saying that it was fine, and that the next would be a nice serve. He nodded and bounced the ball. He served again, sending it back into the net once more. His heart sank. Maybe he should just sit on the bench for a bit. He wanted to hide. Asahi suggested to just send an under arm serve, warm up to a proper serve. He was trying hard to be nice. He could see that, but it was embarrassing.

He sent a weak under arm serve over the net, finally making it over to the others. The rally started, going back and forth, being gentle for a while until Tanaka and Hinata started going up against Kageyama and Asahi. Tsukki was even getting into it. He barely touched the ball, the other two taking most of the receives. It was hard for him to find a place on the court. He felt his hands start to shake. He couldn’t help the team. He wasn’t a good player anymore and he feared the ball. How could he be of any use for the team anymore? He couldn’t serve, any other team would just laugh at him, he was just a weak point on the team. Everyone else would see him being weak and target him. If he got hit too bad or fell over, he would break his pump and he would be in so much trouble.

Yamaguchi stared at his shaking hands, frozen in time. He couldn’t breathe. What was he going to do? He was going to be dropped from the team. But maybe that was for the better? But he didn’t want to leave! His friends were here, he was going to be alone if he left! He wouldn’t have anything left, and he wouldn’t have Tsukki. He felt the cold weight of dread sink down into his body. He couldn’t think, couldn’t see past his hands, couldn’t see the court below him. He was scared. He had never let being diagnosed stop him, but now that he couldn’t hide….

There was a loud thump, the ball slamming past him, snapping him out of the zone he had fallen into. The ball bounced weakly past him, rolling to the side. He looked up to see the others, Hinata looking somewhat shocked, having looked like he had spiked it. Tanaka looked torn, probably between excitement at the spike and frustration at his lack of attention, but he couldn’t really tell. Asahi looked tired, and Kageyama, he looked mad. He looked furious. He had missed it again after all their hard work. He felt his throat tighten. His emotions starting to rush through him. Then his eyes fell of Tsukki, who looked impassive as always, except for a small downturn at the corners of his lips. Tsukki was mad too. His stomach dropped.

“Sorry” he whispered, trying to think of what to say. No one had moved, all just staring at him. He couldn’t take it. Everyone just keeping their eyes on him, judging him. He dropped his head down, turning and running off the court quickly. He slammed the door shut behind him as he ran. He needed to go somewhere else. He didn’t know where to go or what to do, but he just needed to not be there. He felt tears hit his cheeks, his chest starting to struggle for air. He stopped, folding over and holding his legs as he tried to calm down, small sobs ripping out of him. This was his life now. He would never be the same because of this machine.

He stood back up, holding his hands behind his head and panting. It was too much. He leaned against the wall next to him, slowly sliding down. He looked up to the sky feeling his head spin. Damn it. He could feel that his sugar was dropping. He hated life. He needed to go back and get something to fix it. He was still learning how to do his doses. It was hard to get right. True, he had had more hypo’s before the pump, he had forgotten his insulin in the past, and with the pump the number of them had significantly reduced. This was the first one in a while, and even though he hadn’t gotten his doses completely right yet, he wasn’t in a life-threatening situation.

While he was trying to find the energy to get up, he heard some footsteps. He looked up to the side, cheeks still slightly wet, to find Tsukki walking towards him. Neither of them said anything, the taller one simply continuing to walk until he was standing in front of the other. Silently, his hand reached out, handing Yamaguchi a fruit box. He was confused. Yamaguchi didn’t know how Tsukki found him, or how he had known to bring him something when he didn’t even know why he was here. But still, he reached out and took the box, knowing better than to reject something that was going to help him.

He silently opened the drink, taking a sip, not wanting to be the one to break the silence. He could tell the other was still upset. He could feel the negative energy radiating off the Tsukki and could feel his eyes drilling into him, it was uncomfortable. “What were you thinking?” Tsukki said flatly, finally breaking the quiet. “I know you are upset today but being upset doesn’t make you freeze on court and bail on your team mates”.

That hurt. His shoulders fell, and he sighed. He should have known Tsukki would be mad at him. He was the only one who he spoke to about his diabetes. He was supportive, but he didn’t like him ‘using it as an excuse’. Or at least that was the way he had phrased it in the past. “Tsukki, I-“, he started pathetically, only to be shut down quickly.

“No.” Tsukki interrupted. “No whatever you are going to say is going to be self-deprecating” Tsukki said letting some of his frustration leak into his voice. He could see the anger in him. Tsukki carried his tension in his shoulders, and he always tensed his jaw. He wasn’t subtle, or at least not to Yamaguchi. He knew him far too well. He could only sigh at the words shot at him. They hurt, and made him flinch. He couldn’t look up at Tsukki, he could just hear him shuffle his feet as he waited for a reply he couldn’t give. “You have never been this bad. Never. What has changed? Getting your pump?” Tsukki asked quickly, his voice rising ass he spoke. Tsukki knew him better than anyone else, but even then, could he not understand? Could he not get that this made him different? That it changed his life? That he felt weaker for it? He couldn’t understand that. 

“Tsukki- “, Yamaguchi started only to be interrupted again. “Are you scared of getting hurt? Your going to get hurt if you keep blanking out on court.” Tsukki told him, stepping closer, his shoes right in front of his eyes. Tsukki’s height was always made him seem intimidating, but it had never affected Yamaguchi until now. The height and the anger making Yamaguchi feel like a child sitting in front of their parent. “You need to deal with whatever is messing you up. You think you are lesser because you have the pump now?” Tsukki asked, voice dropping down to a stern, blunt tone. 

“Tsukki, I can’t even play properly now.” He whispered, heart clenching. “If the pump breaks then I’ve put my family out so much money. One stray ball, one bad fall, and its all over” he said shaking his head. “Just the hit from Hinata today, it could have broken, you don’t understand.” He said finally looking up to Tsukki, finding him glaring down his nose at him. “Not only could it break but do you really think any other team would take us seriously? Seeing me on the team?” he asked, his own voice rising as he started to speak his mind for the first time in weeks. “Before I could hide it! Before we could all pretend that I was just another member of the team, not a – a weakness!” he yelled, voice getting louder as Tsukki’s expression didn’t change. “It had to be my choice to get this damn thing. I had to sign for it, and I had to smile and say it was the right choice, and medically it is! But I hate it! I can’t do anything now without it being the focal point!” 

“Is that what you really believe?” Tsukki said calmly, his voice now vacant of any kind of expression. It made him stop, the rant he had started being stopped dead in its tracks by a few simple words. “You think you are helpless because of a pump that’s helping you stay alive?” Tsukki continued, being blunt as ever, but making Yamaguchi shiver. It made him sound ungrateful. It wasn’t that he wasn’t grateful, he was so lucky. He was able to have this machine that kept him healthy, his family loved him enough to spend all this money on him. He was grateful for it. He just hated how it made him feel. How it took over his life.

He stayed quiet, not able to find the words to explain what he was feeling. “You are wrong.”. Those words rocked him to his core, making his eyes snap up to Tsukki’s once more. “You aren’t weak because of a pump. You aren’t helpless. The only thing stopping you, is you” Tsukki said bluntly, eyes boring into his own. “The pump doesn’t make you less of a person. No one on the team cares that you have it, they only care about you. To them, you just came to school one day with a small box that no one else cares about, and started withdrawing. No one sees you as a weakness, and no one sees the pump as a weakness” 

“But everyone is getting mad! I can’t play properly with it, and I can’t stand everyone glaring at me” Yamaguchi replied quickly, trying to explain. His chest hurt, and he couldn’t think. None of what Tsukki was saying was making sense. It couldn’t be right. 

“No, everyone is getting mad, because you are giving up” Tsukki snapped back. “You stopped trying. You stopped fighting. Yamaguchi, you used to fight for your place on this team, you spent so long practicing, you love volley ball, and this team. What everyone is upset about is seeing all of that being thrown away because you are scared!” Tsukki’s hands were fists, he was yelling, and Yamaguchi pressed himself against the wall. 

Tsukki sighed, pushing his glasses up before kneeling next to him. “I get it. You are scared. You have always been anxious, and getting the pump hasn’t helped, hell that first diagnosis didn’t help. But you are so much better than this” Tsukki told him, his voice much softer. “Yes, it might get damaged in a game, but that is sport. Daichi got a ball to the face and we all thought he was out for good. Sport isn’t risk free, but its part of the game. You have never been scared in the past. You can’t let this consume you” he said nodding, making Yamaguchi’s heart flutter.

“Its not just fear… its everything” Yamaguchi whispered to him. “I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t study without it being obvious. The noises, the feelings, people staring at me… Tsukki I can’t take it” he sniffed, feeling far too emotional to be talking about this. “At least, when I didn’t have the pump I could just treat myself when no one was around, no one knew, now everyone knows, everyone can see it” he felt like crying. This was why he didn’t talk about it. He didn’t want all this emotion to be let out.

“Yamaguchi no one cares if you have diabetes” Tsukki assured. “It doesn’t make you less of a person, in fact, if anything it makes you stronger,” he said finally moving to sit next to him. “Going through this stuff makes you stronger. Like when you were younger and got bullied. If anyone tried that now you would shut that down. Life experience makes you stronger” Tsukki said resting his head against the wall. “Diabetes doesn’t define you. The pump doesn’t define you. You, define you. Your choices, your actions… Nothing else” 

The words sounded sweet, like it was possible for nothing to affect him. But it did. Things couldn’t be as simple as Tsukki made them out to be. “You say that like its easy,” he said with a small laugh. “People stare at me… they stare at my stomach, at the pump… It makes noises, if other people are staring then it's me having to change the needle or having to check the sugars and it becomes more obvious, I can’t escape it”

“People stare at me all the time,” Tsukki said simply. “I'm tall, to normal people it's like a sideshow. People will always stare at what different. It's just a matter of fact. But, it will only affect you if you let it.” He said looking over at him. “Yes. You have diabetes. You need to take care of yourself, people are going to see, but what’s so wrong with that?” he said honestly. “People will understand, and if they don’t, then they are idiots. At the end of the day, you are the only one who gets to choose how you feel, and how you act” 

“It's not that easy,” Yamaguchi’s said timidly, starting back to his best friend. “It's not that easy, and I don’t know what to do” he wanted to be normal. Normal didn’t come to people like him. But the more Tsukki spoke the more he felt like there might be something, some tiny bit of hope, to cling onto. 

“No, it's not that easy” Tsukki agreed. “But what’s better, hiding away? Losing sleep, not studying and having your game suffer, or making a conscious choice to not care what other people think?” he asked after a moment. “It has got to be better than this, right?” he asked looking over at him with a small rare smile. “I’m gonna head back. When you are ready, come back and train. You will see that the team is there for you, you just gotta give it a try” he said after a moment, standing up and starting to walk back towards the gym.

It took Yamaguchi a few minutes. Just choosing to think differently. That’s not how the world worked. But Tsukki was right, trying had to be better than this. It had to. This was just hell. Taking a deep breath, he stood back up, stretching his arms up high. He felt the cool air hit his stomach and he cringed, but forced himself not to curl over. He wasn’t going to hide. He may not like the pump. But it was here now. He wasn’t going to hide it anymore.

He relaxed back down, looking over towards the gym, thinking about his options. There was only really two. Continue the way he was, suffering, or, take a chance and try to see the world past the box. He nodded to himself, starting to walk back towards the gym. His shoes felt heavy, everything felt heavy, and he wasn’t sure if it was the drop of adrenaline, reluctance to actually do this, or if he was just tired. Whatever the answer was, it didn’t matter, as he found himself finally stepping back into the gym, seeing everyone having jumped together to just play a stupid version of volleyball, just for fun.

It was kind of nice to see. Everyone seemed happy and calm together. He hummed to himself, sneaking in a bit further. He didn’t know what he wanted to do, maybe just sit and watch, but standing at the door wasn’t going to cut it. Especially when he saw Hinata look his way.

“Yamaguchi!” he called out happily, waving to him with a big smile. He waved as if to say come play, but he shook his head with a small smile. He pointed to the bench and shook the drink box in his hand, silently telling him he was going to sit this one out. The redhead nodded with a smile before being hit in the face by a stray ball from Kageyama. He suspected it may have been on purpose, but who was he to out him.

He caught Tsukki staring at him for a moment, his face blank. He didn’t know what he was hoping for from him. Especially after he had just told him off. Reassurance? He shouldn’t be looking for that. He needed to be strong in himself. He couldn’t deny, however, the relief that rushed through him when he saw his friend nod towards him, silently approving of his sitting quietly on the bench fiddling with the now empty box in his hands. It was better than running.

This wasn’t going to be easy. This wasn’t going to be quick. His life had changed, his self-image had changed, and it wasn’t going to go back to being the same. But he couldn’t dwell on that. He needed to focus on the positives, on the good the box brought him. He needed to look past his fears. And… he was starting to think it might be possible. Even if all it was at first was knowing Tsukki didn’t care about the box, that Tsukki cared about him.

This wasn’t going to hold him back. 

He put the box down on the bench, stood up, and walked onto the court.

This was his life. He wasn’t going to hide anymore.

He was going to try.


End file.
